31st May 2008...and A Message to a Friend...

3 years since Arwah passed away. A lot has happened. I got married again, Asyraaf was born and a lot of things that happened that I would rather forget than remember. Obstacles that was too high I could not reach. But it was part and parcel of life.

ALHAMDULILLAH. That is the only thing I want to say to Allah. I am truly blessed. Given a test I thought I couldn't go through but I did get through it, given a new life that truly needed my patience to understand and bear with it, and given new perspective in life. Life is not as we want it to be. It never will be.

Though my test is different than other peoples' may be, the way you build your life back is pretty much the same. You cry, you suffer, you fall, you learn. That is all there is to it. It is not a reason to make costly mistakes. For there will be consequences...that you will regret for the rest of your life.

I am disappointed with a friend. I truly am. She was divorced but she did not learn. Having a lot of people around her did not matter to her. Having a lot of support was not enough. Having people who cared is not either.Yet she seeks understanding from the very people who cared and held her hand. If only she knows how lucky she is to have a family that cares, a family that is there for her no matter what she did and friends that really cares. If only she knows how much she is worth. Disappointed I am...truly.

Sometimes... truth hurts. It comes from a heart that wants the best for her. Anyway...what do I get to have in return..? Nothing...actually. Zero, none. I could've kept on being a hypocritical friend, saying all the things she wants to hear...but is not the truth. But I wish her all the luck in the world because I see no reason to be there for someone that does not know how to appreciate. I am sorry...there will be other friends that can do that for her...

Best wishes in your life...friend...:-)

Sometimes I look Back...

Yeah...sometimes I look back. Sometimes...it is hard not to. I am now working in the first organization I worked in. When I was just a naive girl, thinking life was fine and dandy...and I really thought that was how life was meant to be... :-) And driving through the road to the college in the morning, or walking in between the hallways in the college, I reminisce in the past. Just to... understand. Just for closure I guess...

It is a hard puzzle...people, human I mean. With so many colours and characteristics, and to what extend they can go. During the hard phase I went through, I came across so many people, with their true colours. And some even surprised me. People whom I just smiled during a walk through the campus offered words that are kind and still in my mind today. And there was the person you call your 'friends', can turn and utter the most hurtful words to you without any regards to your feelings whatsoever, as if you never mattered to them in the least. It's true what they say, you are at your most vulnerable when you are facing hardships in your life, yet it makes you stronger in a way. I've never cried so much in my life than during that phase in my life. Sometimes I felt like my heart would burst, that was how bad things was. And knowing that NOBODY can help me, except for myself. I got up , walked a few steps, fell down, walked back...and fell again...and again... and again...It was like I was a walking zombie...with other people walking past me, but I was stuck in time... How painful it was...

I always try to understand why people can be hurtful to others...but I never found the answer. And I have quit trying to. Maybe some day I will. And I still walk my life today with the scars I got from the battle I went through. Yes, I came out with scars, not unscathed as I would have liked. And I wish things had turned out different but then again...there is always a reason why things became the way they did. Only Allah knows...

And due to that, I am a different person today. I have come to appreciate things I once took for granted. I smile at things whenever I wanted. I took pains to prolong the happiness each and every time it passes by me. Because I might not be alive the next day to be able to enjoy that happiness. But I am now with wiser eyes... I no longer smile with the innocence I once had.. I don't see people as they portray themselves, but to be more cautious in relationships and making new friends. I have learnt my lesson I guess... I wish I still have the naivety... but lessons learnt are to remind yourself of your past mistakes... and for you not to repeat them.

Alhamdulillah... now I am stronger, with a husband as my rock. To catch me if I stumble, to patch my wounds and heal them. To smile at me and tell me that everything's gonna be okay. To wipe my tears when I cry...or simply... just to be there. And a child for me to nourish and teach things about life to...For him to be a better person. For him never to hurt others the way I was hurt. To use his words wisely. For words that are spoken cannot be taken back. It is sharper than knife. But I also believe EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. Very true. It might take you the longer way to happiness, but if you believe... you'll get there.. insya-Allah...

For something so precious, it is too short a time to be taken away...

Al-fatihah...This photo was taken on 21st May 2005 at 2.04 pm. 5 days before my husband, Arwah Mohd Zamiruddin bin Adam (on the left), passed away.On his right was his very best friend, Arwah Mohd Yusari bin Kliwon, the only man he would trust his life with. And...he died too, on the 23rd June, in a crash near Labuan during training there. A mere 23 days after my husband.

Sometimes, it boggles me that God has a way of 'designing' our fates. Who would have thought that 2 good friends that were once living without knowing that life was too short for them.They were both good men, as a husband, a friend and sons. After my husband died, his friend used to call me and keep me company, which I needed at that time, and we would laugh and talk about the memories of my late husband. How beautiful a man my husband was...loved even by his peers and collegues. Respected in every way, just for being himself. He was not only an officer, but also a gentleman.

Back to Arwah Yusari, (forgive me for being sidetracked),the funny thing was, he was really quiet and withdrawn with everybody else, except me. Maybe he felt we were closer in some ways, since we both loved the same man. A man that is irreplacable in the lives of many.It made the hole in my life a little smaller, and I felt a little light in my life...never knowing that he would leave me too...

At 9.30 am on 23rd of June, I received a call telling me that Arwah Yusari was involved in a aircraft crash near Labuan and died instantly.What I would do at that time to trade places with his wife, who had been married for only 6 months.But I could not. Like me, she had to go thru that process...the grieve, the tears and finally, acceptance.There are not many people I would consider a hero in my life aside from my husband, but he managed to make me admire him for his strength and understanding.

So with this blog, I wish u would say a prayer for him and pray for his happiness in his afterlife...thank you.
Appreciate what u have today, for u might not have it ur hands tomorrow...

Pain...it'll never go away...Part I

Well, alas...I've finally found my courage to start living my life...I can only say that whatever I have learnt, I learnt the hard way...but I'm thankful for what God has given me...maybe, as my friend Noreane always says, "God works in mysterious ways...".I reckon that is true.Very true in fact.

On the day that I will always remember till the day I die, on the 26th of May, I received a phone call from my husband's friend that they just had an accident at Slim River highway.I was supposed to pick up my hubby at Shah Alam, once he arrives from Penang.I was so happy to see him as he was to see me. Too happy in fact. He kept saying "Ina, abang on the way ni...kejap lagi kita jumpa ye...rindunye..."(Ina, abang will see u in a bit okay, I miss you so much").He was always like that, he always made me feel like I was his only world, his only universe.The phone call from his friend sliced me apart like a knife.I could only say that I would be on my way, never knowing that his brain was injured due to the accident, when he was thrown out of the back window of the car.

Yes, the pain is still there, subsiding, but still there.I would walk at places have been to before with my husband, and I would blink and find tears running down my cheeks.How happy I was..how so very shielded from the world.I used to turn to him and say..."Abang, kita bahagia kan?" (Abang, we are so very happy, aren't we?"). But, as some people say, maybe good things aren't supposed to last...I used to think that I was maybe too happy.I always had that uneasy feeling that the happiness is to stay for only a short while.Oh, how easy it is to blame myself for everything, to think this is all just a dream.But...it's not.The thing I feared most has happened.The person I loved so very much...has passed away, leaving me here all alone.Maybe it's destined that I would be alone...maybe not.I don't know...

Sunshine has come...

040306...Alhamdulillah...The sun has shone again...:-) I am now engaged to be married...again to a man who came to me at my weakest point of my life and has been there for me ever since...I'm thankful for this blessing...that He has shown me a path to happiness again after what i have been through...
One would've thot that the second time around I would be more relaxed and can even anticipate what's going to happen. But the opposite thing happened, I was more nervous than the first time!...:-) I smiled a lot though...for the cameras and for being happy, I guess...I even got scolded by my 'mak andam' (...sorry noreane, just have to write this...) for laughing and smiling too much...It was a happy day for both me and my fiance...
The Ipoh clan came after asar ... there were around 50 of them...yeah2x... i know... that's a lot of people for an engagement ceremony, so i've been told...But I'm honored that many came to my engagement. Like any other engagement, the hantaran was changed hands, the ring put on my fingers by my fiance's mother, and the makan-makan...Not to forget the photography session...
Courtesy of my friends, Noreane and Hadi, I now have an engagement video, which, for some reason managed to make a few who have watched it, reach for a tissue...:-)...So this is the link if u want to watch it...And if possible...pls pray so that my sunshine will be here for me for a long time...

Note:
For those who haven't found the One, keep praying...there is a reason why the One for you has not arrived...Only God knows...So keep smiling and go thru ur days with pure hearts and love...Ur sunshine will come too...