The last time I checked...

For young mothers like me, one of the hardest things I  ever had to do was leave my kids when I'm away on assignments or sent to cover elections in other states. So far I've only been to Kelantan, Melaka and Sarawak. And already, it's taking its toll on me.

Ironically, I do understand how working mums have to make sacrifices and learn how to balance family life and work. And yet, I hesitate... Sometimes I wonder, is it really worth the money I bring home for the time of my kids' lives which I will never, ever get to experience again? How much money is equivalent to it, really...?

One of my worst fears is one day to turn around and see that I have missed them, missed most of their growing up lives, and what I see are just adult faces looking at me and calling me Ibu. How would that feel I wonder?

Don't get me wrong, I love what I do. But I'm really wondering how to truly balance between family and work. So that I get to perform at work and yet raise a happy and loving family. What if there is no way such thing?

Ooh the challenges of parenting. It was so much easier when I was growing up. We were fed, clothed, sent and picked up from school. She would always be there for anything. I always took that for granted. In fact, when I first got married I didn't want to work because I wanted to be like my mother, nevermind the degree and masters degree that I had then. For me, it was family first. But then tragedy struck and I had nothing to hold on to. I didn't have a job, I didn't know the first thing about paying bills and ...living a life. I had no life so to speak...

So I became a superwoman. I did everything, learned everything. Now that I'm there where I want to be. I'm wondering, what if... One day... this is all there is? How would I react when my heart asks myself when did my children grow up. Because the last time I checked, they were just babies....