If only I can turn back time...

After stitches done...

You know when some things that you know will happen and yet you think may never happen to you yet? For example, u know your husband will die someday but you always think it may not be now? But it did. And when you think you will never make the dreaded mistake of hurting your child but you did? Or when you think that you will  never get into an accident, but you did?

This time, it was a mistake that I will forever remember and I take full responsibility of. Up till now, my hands are still shaking and my eyes well up every time I remember how it happened. The fact that it took me this long to write this note up speak volumes. It was not just any mistake, it was THE mistake. A mistake which resulted into Hazel into having stitches and scars on her face!

Oh how I wish I can rewind that day! There are no words that can describe my anguish at seeing my 2 year old cry her heart out while being stitched up and the how I wished I was the one that was hurt. A hurt that I, her mother, inflicted upon her. It hurt more that being hurt.

How it happened? Of course, the million dollar question. Some even asked with disbelieve how such incidences are even possible. Oh well, a mistake is a mistake. I make no excuses for myself. What a birthday though...:-(

3 days after...

The truth, plain and simple, was that she fell. Fell right out of the baggage area of our car straight onto the tar road. Failing to see that she was leaning against the back door of our car because of the tint of the car and my absentmindedness at that time, I opened the trunk right up without thinking and saw 'something' or rather 'someone' flying out of the car! When I heard her cries, I realized to my horror that it was Hazel! Both of us crying, I drove with her on my lap straight to the nearest ER and waited for her to be tended to. Blood pouring down her forehead, tears streaming, voice screaming. God...How I wish I could turn back time.

It was my mistake through and through. Now I know some of you would say mistakes happen. But I just cannot bring myself to forgive myself, for now at least. The irony is that, she isn't the active one, she never was. But Asyraaf has never had any such incidences happen on him before. Falls yes, stitches, never.  I have become complacent.

I am writing this down as part of trying to forgive myself, if I ever can, and for her to know that one day when she gets older, how sorry I am on what happened.

So now, whenever I open a door of the car, a peek is always a must before doing so. Sigh... If only I can turn back the time...If only life works that way...